It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Randomize
