I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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