I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Randomize
