Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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