You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
