i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
When did angry sex become our thing?
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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