That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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