I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Randomize
