he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
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