Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
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