I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
