I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize