We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
soo... how was my night?
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
