so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Randomize