why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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