Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Randomize
