If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
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