also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
i love accidental penises.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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