i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
how do flat chested girls get laid?
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
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