You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
Randomize