I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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