A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
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