Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
