I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
