she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
