it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Randomize
