As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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