Don't make out with my wife yet
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
i just had sex bonerless
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
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