Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Randomize
