I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Randomize