He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Randomize
