Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
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