I got chris browned last night
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
