Just fell off a train. Bad.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I just want nice things and good sex
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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