we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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