Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
