today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Randomize
