I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
