I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
Dignity is for republicans.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Randomize