I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
