if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Randomize
