i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
you told grandpa to call you daddy
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
Randomize
