The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
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