The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
