wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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