On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
