Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
