your thong is hanging out like whoa
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
My vagina just recognized that song.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Randomize
