he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
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