You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
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