we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
where are my eyebrows?
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