I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
