lol you are funny thanks bro I'll take you to a strip club
I don't wanna go to a strip club I'd rather get my boobs free or earn them from a series of good deeds
Ha! What's wrong with that? Hard work deserves compensation. I accept cash, checks, and boobies!
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Randomize
