I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
Randomize
