So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
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