forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
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