from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Randomize
