Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
Randomize
