Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
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