i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Randomize
