just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Randomize
