You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
