Send those Picts to my email please. From last night
Ps thx for the porn on my phone
;) ur welcome
How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
