I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
