watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Randomize
